Sunday, September 15, 2019

Save Your Marriage, Love Your Life

Want to save your marriage?
Before you can save your marriage there is an important question that you have to answer. If the answer is yes, you have a very good chance of saving your marriage and being happy. If you answer no, you must turn the answer to a yes before you can save anything.
That question is: Do You Love Yourself?
We have all been raised to believe that loving ourselves is selfish and bad. Many of us grow up feeling that no one loves us and we have no concept or example of how to love someone else.
This condition goes a long way into making relationships very difficult because we are looking for love outside of ourselves instead of internally and we really do not know what love feels or looks like.
I was 55 before I finally learned to love myself. I don't mean being narcissistic. I mean appreciating myself for who I am, being nonjudgmental, accepting me as me without expectations.
Think of the love a dog has for a human. It is unconditional. If you cannot love yourself unconditionally you will not be able to love someone else the same way because you do not know how it feels. You have no knowledge of what love is.
I had been going to a therapist to deal with my depression and he said you have to learn to love yourself. I was startled by that statement as I had never thought about loving myself. I went home and started crying. My husband asked me what was wrong and I sobbed that I had to learn to love myself and I didn't know how. That was a major transition for me to being aware of what love is and embracing it for myself. I had to learn to treat myself like I would my best friend. I had to put myself first and not sacrifice my core values for someone else's love.
If your answer was yes, "I love myself", you are well on your way to saving your marriage if that is what you both choose. If your answer is no, learn to love yourself first and then work on saving your marriage.
It is possible that your spouse does not know how to love unconditionally either. Watch his/her parents and how they interact. That is what your spouse believes love and marriage is. At this point you can only be aware of the believe systems they have. If you are in agreement with the parent's relationship style, you are half way there. If you don't it is an uphill climb to acknowledge how you feel and how you are going to handle your non-alignment.
The key to learning to love yourself is to:
  • think about what true unconditional love is
  • practice it on yourself
  • be aware of your internal talk that is judgmental, unforgiving and change the talk to loving, supporting words.
It isn't easy, but it is worth every effort to love yourself as god loves you, unconditionally. You will know how to love someone else when you know how to love yourself. How will you know? You will feel light and happy and very little will bother you anymore.
Why? Because you will no longer feel like all judgement is aimed at you. You will know that you are okay and the other person needs a little love too.

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