Friday, September 15, 2017

What's With Romantic Love and Marriage?

Many young people you see these days have read a lot of romantic fantasy books espousing romantic love and marriage. The usual plot is that before you settle down with Mr right you first have to fall in love with him. They have this unreal perception about love, relationships and marriage. Hollywood has not helped matters either. There are such notions as love at first sight and falling in love before getting into a relationship. May I say this that it is not necessary to wait till you "love" the man before you get married.
In fact it is better for you if you are looking for marriage to enter a relationship with a clear head, knowing exactly what you want rather than having your emotions overwhelm your reasoning in the name of being head over heels in love. One is bound to make costly mistakes under such conditions. If a man that has the right qualities and compatibility comes around, don't wait to have a special feeling before you say yes to his marriage proposal. The truth is as you spend time together in your marriage you will grow to love him. So this is the right pattern- Choose right then fall in love with the right choice. It is popular to fall in "love" with the guy first and hope he turns out right.
This second option has being the ruin of many a woman. What many refer to as love is in reality lust. A perfect test to use in checking if it is love or lust is the "giving" test. If it is love it always gives and the giving is unconditional. Whereas if it is lust it is usually selfish seeking to take or get from the other partner. For many "I love you" means "I desire to control and manipulate you and have you to satisfy my sexual craving!"
The characters of the romantic novels are not real human beings. They are merely the creation of the fantasies of the writers. You live in the real world, so get real! The hot passionate love that comes at first may not really last more than the first few years of marriage. If you are sincerely looking for marriage, you need more than feelings to get you through married life, you need clear headed thinking and a strong commitment. Many folks who have stayed married for several years will tell you that the hot passionate love of youthful days never really last long. The foundation of much of this is the physical looks which eventually fade with time. When outward beauty fades what then happens to such a relationship that was built on love based on physical attraction?
Let me illustrate: Mary Anne(true name with-held) wanted to quit dating altogether. She was 40 when I met her and had been dating continuously since she was 16 -- and she was sick to death of the dating scene. Hers is a story of a futile search for the perfect love. In the last 21 years, she'd had only three boyfriends that lasted more than a year, and the rest lasted only a few weeks to a few months apiece. She was so depressed because all her friends had already gotten married and she was the only one who remained single. When she opened up I realized that she went out of her way to make the guys she dated to fall in hot romantic love with her in the hope that it would turn out into marriage. She ended up in bed with quite a few but they disappeared as soon as they went to bed with her! Though she maintained the attitude that there was something wrong with all men in general -- deep inside, she felt there was something wrong with her. On pointing out the difference between love and lust and the fact that she can get married without going into sensual relationships she has turned out the better for it. Today, she is now happily married. Am I advocating marriage without love? No what I am advocating is love nurtured through marriage.
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